By Bunmi Sofola
When your marriage seems to be crashing around your ears, do you kid yourself divorce is not a possibility? Now, it’s dawned on you that you have to go your separate ways, how do you handle it? In her book: How to have a Healthy Divorce, a relationship expert, Paul Hall believes the only healthy way to deal with a divorce is to drop your defences and face the pain.
In order to do this, we need to work out what our defences are – so we can clear them out of the way. Some methods of coping, run so deep that we can see them ourselves. Hall suggests also seeking the opinion of a good friend. Here is a list of a few common defences he points out!
Denial: You don’t want to accept the reality of what’s going on. You’ll say things like: ‘He’ll return, or it’s just a phase, or it’s a trial separation’ and you probably won’t tell many people what’s happened. But you’re only delaying the crisis. When reality hits, it’s like a train crash. The full force of the pain is felt for the first time.
Minimalisation: You accept that you’re getting divorced but you deny the pain. You’ll say things like; “I knew it wasn’t working so it’s for the best,” or “I didn’t really love them anyway, so I’m relieved they’re gone”.
When the pain hits, which it inevitably will, many minimisers find themselves having to convince friends that they’re not OK after all.
Intellectualisation: Rather than feeling it so much, you analyse them. You’ll say things like: ‘I’d reacted to the separation, and I think it’s really interesting how I’ve…or, I’ve been thinking about why my partner left and reckon it is because… .” In some situation, it’s not possible to find meaning, and intellectualisation is just another way to avoid addressing emotional needs head-on.
Anger: Like other defences, anger can protect us from looking at our deeper fears and securities. You’ll think things like: “I hate him, and I’m never going, to let him forget what he’s done to me.” It’s often hard for friends to support a person trapped in anger as the tough prickly exterior doesn’t seem to invite any comfort or consolation.
Displacement: This means packing up your loss and pain and projecting it on to something or someone else – such as your children or your job. You’ll say things like: “I’m OK, I’m just really worried about the kids, or, I haven’t got time to think about the divorce, I’m too busy at work.”
Being a Pollyanna: This is when you decide to react in a relentlessly positive way to something most people would find devastating. You’ll say things like: ‘I’m so pleased to finally have the house to myself and I’m so relieved it’s over. It’s the best thing that could have possibly happened.” But while you’re absorbed by your positive emotions, the equally real negative ones remain unaddressed. Dropping a defence is a painful decision to make and may be hard emotionally. In the long term, however, it is the only way to start getting on with the rest of your life.
The Great Sexcapades!
We have all had our own experience of things not working exactly to plan when it comes to romance. If you’ve ever been left wishing you were somewhere else when your well laid plans went awry, you are not alone. Here are few examples, I’ve come across in recent times.
Victoria, a 24-year-old recalls. “About a year ago, my ex and I got home from clubbing feeling very horny, but my bloke couldn’t find his keys. Instead of waking up his whole family, we decided to get down to it, there and then against his mum’s new car. Unfortunately, his mum and dad heard us through the open bedroom window and thought we were burglars. They came rushing down armed with golf clubs and knives, only to catch us going at it hammer and tongs on the bonnet of the car. I really couldn’t face his parents after that.”
Lizzy, 22; “when I was 17, my boyfriend’s parents asked us to watch his 13 year old brother while they popped round to his grand-parents for a small get-together. Thinking we had a good couple of hours, we headed for the bedroom and got down to it Afterwards, he went downstairs and I went to the bathroom to dispose of the rubber evidence. To my horror, it wouldn’t flush down the toilet and there wasn’t a bin, so, as the house backed onto an empty plot, I thought I could throw it out of the window.
As I went downstairs, I found my boyfriend standing by the front door with his parents and grand parents – all staring at me. Then I noticed that on the doorstep was the condom I’d thrown out of the window. I had got windows muddled in the dark and forgotten that it was his bedroom that over-looked the empty plot, not the bathroom. I left shortly afterwards and haven’t been back since.”
“I went on a weekend cruise with my mate,” recalled Emma, 23 “and one night when we were very drunk, we ended up having sex on the deck of the boat. We were really getting into it up against this wall, but didn’t realise that we were leaning against the pothole that led to the restaurant and everyone could see what was going on. I was so embarrassed that I had to avoid breakfast the next morning.”
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